Unspoken
by mysterymuse
Summary: "She didn't know why she couldn't just say it, unstick the words resting on the tip of her tongue." A string of Beckett's thoughts throughout the past years as she falls for the man who changed everything.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Interspersed throughout Season 4 and 5.**

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_"Actions speak louder than words."_

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She was doing this for him. Each session she opened herself up. Chipped away at her walls. All for him. Didn't he know?

Her heart tore when Jacinda flounced into his life. Their life. Because he was hers, and she thought he would wait. She wrote 'fun and uncomplicated' on her palm—the words bleeding into her skin, mocking her silently. This wasn't who she was. She wasn't enough for him.

Why did he forget who they were? Why would he get himself hurt? Act reckless? They were partners. She was going to kill Slaughter.

No. This was wrong. He told her he loved her and he left. Everything hurt. She just wanted the truth. But maybe it wasn't worth it anymore. Maybe her mom wanted more for her. No. She had to put this to rest. Castle was gone.

And then he wasn't. He was everything. His lips against hers were fire. His touch turned her into liquid. His words were clarity, pressed into her skin and whispered into her ear. He loved her. She just wanted him.

Bliss.

She didn't know why she couldn't just say it, unstick the words resting on the tip of her tongue.

She couldn't stop touching him. Tracing his face while he slept. Ruffling his hair when he wrote. Slipping her hands under his shirt because she could. Snagging his fingers because they were past the pretense of brushing them together.

Christmastime hurt. She didn't want to lie. But he pushed. He always did. They were done with secrets. Where the hell was Karpowski?

Nutmeg, huh?

He'd hurt his knee. Oh god, he had scared the hell out of her. And now he was playing baby around the loft. His birthday was coming up. She glanced out the window and spotted the empty apartment across the street. A sly smile crept onto her face. Oh, Castle would love it. She couldn't wait to see his face.

He knew, right? Why now? They had had so little time together. This wasn't supposed to happen. The sharp click had a final ring to it. His face crumbled when they realized what it'd meant. He teased her as the minutes turned to seconds. They really had the worst timing. She couldn't lose him. He had a family. But he had to know. If he didn't, she could say it. For him, because he was the only one who it really meant something to.

_Rick, I love you._

A weight had been lifted. His easy reply. She ached with relief. He knew.

And that night, she smoothed it over his skin as she traced her finger on his chest and breathed it into his ear.

Always.

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**A/N: Let me know what you think. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: A little insight on what Beckett might've been thinking during each case. Season 2.**

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Damnit. She thought she'd never have to see him again. He'd broken her trust and wanted back on the team? Forget it. But then why did his apology prompt her to forgive him, and the thought of seeing him again make her heart beat faster?

She didn't think she'd ever had so much fun with a case—or the two cases they'd run into. Bringing honor to the victim was important even if bets and pools were harmless. Yet it couldn't hurt just this once to indulge. Plus, Castle was cute when he played supercop.

A flicker of jealousy sparked in her chest when Castle gleefully accepted a phone number from the bambi-eyed Reena. Since when did she get jealous?

Page 105 was her personal nightmare. He was absolutely impossible. But she couldn't help the flare of arousal that flashed through her when she scanned the words, the ones describing in explicit—very explicit—detail how her fictional counterpart, um—oh, wow…shit. She needed a glass of cold water.

He was leaving. She didn't think it would hit her like this—that it would matter. But he called her extraordinary. It mattered a lot.

He stayed. And they were in rhythm, throwing back smart remarks and coy looks. She thought she could trick herself into thinking that she didn't care about him and his Halloween parties. When she leaned in too close and he'd looked at her as if stunned by what he saw, she could barely breathe. She smelled like cherries, but he was wrapped in the delicious aroma of cologne. She almost wanted to lean in further. Almost.

She'd almost forgotten he could be a sweet, doting father. Damn him for being kind-hearted. It almost made him desirable. And when she stood with him and his family honoring Hayley Blue, she felt affection bloom gently in her chest.

Not yet. He implied they weren't getting together _yet_? She tamped down the hopeful flutter in her chest. He was maddening. There was no yet.

Alexis' persistent nature and sweet candor warmed her heart. Castle was a really good father. Unwittingly, an image of a dark-haired boy with startling blue eyes flashed through her thoughts. The sudden yearning in her chest was—new. She'd never thought she'd have a chance for a family. No, she had one. The precinct was enough. Her dad was enough. Wasn't it?

Prostitutes. Corrupt lawyers. And a sting of jealousy. Something had happened between him and Scarlet. She swallowed her pride and didn't say anything, especially when it seemed the blonde had fooled him—no—both of them with her innocent act.

He called her his work wife. Her heart skipped. Later, when she watched Jeremy walk away with his ex-wife with new beginnings flickering between them, she thought what it would be like to forget everything you knew as familiar, to completely lose yourself. She glanced at Castle, a warm feeling unfurling in her chest. He would help her remember.

She knew that he wouldn't leave Kyra alone. But she'd foolishly hoped that he would. It didn't really surprise her that he could 'do real'. His playboy image was an illusion—a publicity stunt. When Kyra looked at her knowingly and said "He's all yours", she looked over at him absentmindedly twirling his phone and felt a blush bloom on her cheeks. Was it that obvious?

Her heart was breaking. The alcohol that burned down her throat did little to ease the ache in her chest. Her father's words of comfort emboldened her. And Castle, god, he didn't know that him just being there was enough. When she was trying to pound the life back into her mother's killer, the tears trailing down her face were mixed with frustration and relief. Castle was alive. He'd risked so much for her and he thought it was his fault—that he had to leave? Shit. She didn't deserve him. But she needed him. In the quiet of the precinct, laughing with him over hotdogs, Chinese and Italian, she thought she might be in love with him.

She didn't care what any paper said. 'Romantically involved'. What bothered her was his easy acceptance of 'not involved'. Especially when it came with a phone number from Bachelorette No. 3. She barely paid attention to Mr. July. She was too wound up in the case and wondering if Castle was enjoying his date. Relief poured into her when he said it'd been boring. When he offered her his arm, she couldn't resist. Stealing his fries and laughing when he pouted dramatically, she felt lighthearted—something she forgot she could be. The fierce warmth glowing in his gaze sent a rush of heat to her stomach. Because it felt like they were on the verge of something—because it felt like a date—she was disappointed he didn't kiss her goodnight at her door.

Her heart ached for him. Alexis' family tree project was getting to him. To not know who your father was frustrating. His quiet acceptance of his missing parent made her want to comfort him. Her loss was different yet that didn't stop the pain that lanced through her as she tried to imagine what it would be like to grow up not knowing. But light sparked in his eye when he talked about the beautiful family he'd created. He didn't need a father. Looking at him though, she thought he might've needed a hug.

She would show him kinky. Oh yeah, he could definitely handle it. She loved teasing him.

He was right. She was jealous of Jordan Shaw, but he didn't have to know that. Waking up to him cooking was…nice. It'd been almost three years since she dated Will. She'd forgotten what it was like to have someone cook for her. But the dead body at her door kind of put a crimp on things. She felt responsible for the deaths. She wasn't Nikki Heat, but she sure as hell was Detective Kate Beckett and she was going to catch the son of a bitch. The hot stream of water pouring over her released the tension bunched in her shoulders. They'd caught him. God, why did her phone keep ringing? She rolled her eyes when she saw Castle's name flashing in the display screen, but answered anyway. Terror swept through her as he frantically explained. The low tremor of "Goodbye Nikki" triggered the rush of adrenaline that spiked through her and helped her leap into her tub before the world exploded around her.

A primal fear coursed through her as glass shattered and flames licked around her. Curled in the tub naked, she felt vulnerable and exposed. But the beat of her heart reminded her she was alive. She heard him crying out her name and a sense of relief washed over her. She was safe. Castle was here. Then she remembered she was naked and he burst through the door. As she made sure he wasn't looking, she slipped into the cool silk lining of his heavy coat. His strong hands wrapped around her shoulders, swallowing her small frame. She was pissed. No way was Jordan Shaw kicking her off now. Where was her father's watch? No. No. No. She couldn't stay with Castle. Damn him for being so sweet. She really appreciated him. She really did. Oh no, it was over. Dunn had her. Castle. She wished—bam—she was free. He saved her life. Again. 'He cares about you, Kate' rang in her ears as she watched Shaw walk away. Her heart was melting. He'd restored her father's watch.

That dog really dug into his pants. But she kind of liked the view she was getting of his finely-shaped ass. When his chair fell apart around him, she thought she would burst out laughing from the look of horror on his face. His solemn look and insistence that she take care of Alexis if something happened to him sobered her. He wanted her to take responsibility for his daughter—like she was family. It scared her how easily she promised him she would. She couldn't contain her laughter when the rigged espresso machine exploded on him. His face was priceless. She didn't think she'd ever get tired of teasing him.

Her mouth tasted like acid. Yeah, she knew that 'I-just-got-laid' look. She saw the hurt burst in his eyes when Ellie Monroe confessed she slept with the show's producer. She wanted to feel smug, but only felt hollow. The woman had used him. She watched them part amicably, her heart fluttering when he gave her a meaningful look.

He was cute—the robbery detective. It was easy. Uncomplicated. Castle didn't seem to mind.

She was going to kill Maddie. Castle's smug expression when she left interrogation was so not helping. 'Castle babies'. Yeah, right.

She couldn't believe how childish they were both being. It was as if they were both fighting to win some competition. Oh, no. No. Were they fighting for her? Was Castle jealous? He couldn't be—had no reason to be. He'd slept with Ellie Monroe and went on a date with Maddie. He didn't want her. Demming was nice. And safe.

He wanted her to come to the Hamptons? It was too much. And she couldn't. She'd already promised Demming. Ouch. She had really wanted to avoid that rejected puppy dog look in his eye. She hadn't meant to lie, but she thought it would be awkward. And it was. Because there was something between them and she didn't know what it was. Esposito's words washed over her. Everyone knew. Except Castle. Castle didn't know she had feelings for him. And he was leaving. Demming was gone. This was it. She was going to tell him—she was going to say yes. Her heart was racing. And then it stopped. Gina. Castle and Gina. Oh. Oh, no. Tears crowded in the corner of her eyes. Too late. Her heart broke. He was gone.

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**Thoughts?**


End file.
